I can’t decide if I’m suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning or burn out.
Update: I texted my boyfriend and we do have a carbon monoxide detector in our apartment so it is burn out.
I ran the NY Marathon and I have a creative postpartum feeling, like after you close a play or wrap a film. I feel a postpartum feeling with my day job, except I just call that “quiet quitting” since they can’t give me a raise, yet I’m doing twice the job I signed up for. I felt so much anger (wee!) the past few weeks that I can’t feel much more than exhaustion.
I met with another agent this week who was just like “good luck with everything” after I ended my scene. LOL!
Notoriously this is a slow time of year but it feels hard to take stock of much good that’s happened this year. A few weeks ago in therapy, in between heaving sobs, I said “I feel like I haven’t made any progress this year” and my therapist said “you say that every year.”
In between heaps of intense feelings and strenuous physical training, I’m trying to figure out how to be baseline. However, I don’t know if I can do that since I keep moving the line in terms of goals, professionally and recreationally. I’m learning that my self esteem being connected to my career and goals is tough to maintain or be consistent because I’m in one of the most inconsistent career fields on Earth (email me or reply if you know how to do this, I’m serious: everyone I know is absolutely free of ambition or they let it eat them alive, like me). If I’m not endlessly pursuing anything with elements of etherealness, almost with the ability to transcend my human flesh, then I’m not breathing!
Thanks always to my friends and family for helping me through these last few weeks of overwhel-ment. If you’re reading this, I would hug you here.