What Did I Learn This Week: I probably won't be able to recognize progress in real time
On a path towards...?
I have two friends in town from Berlin this month (Europeans with their month long vacations…jealous!). Lina runs Stallmann, a gallery in Berlin, and Daniel is a painter. Their presence has felt like fresh air: they’re respectably both artistically focused on the long term, they aren’t beaten down by not being at the top already. I told them about another avail check I’m on but for a modeling/print campaign thing. It feels nice but it’s not like I’m acting Chekov, or even acting at all, actually. Sometimes doing campaign or print stuff makes me feel like I’m selling out, or really selling myself without any talent attached and it (sometimes) feels unfulfilling.
Daniel thinks this is like a stepping stone to something else: “It’s like a nod from the universe you’re on the right path.” He proceeded to tell me about little nods he’s received from the universe over the past few years that helps him know he’s on track. And then him and Lina mentioned all the actors before who’ve done commercials and print work from their early years, and even how cool it would be if they brought some of this work back into the cultural ether. They both hyped me up by saying how flattered I should be that a company wants to own my image, out of everyone else in the world. Literally why am I complaining?
I’m complaining because I set unrealistic standards for myself and I won’t accept anything as progress towards my goals until I accomplish the goal itself. Also sometimes thinking of a company owning my image feels weird and big brotherish but that is how to operate as an actor/artist/model/person under late-stage capitalism.
I saw Kate Berlant’s Kate on Friday (if you’ve seen this, let’s connect) she mentioned that she can’t forget Lena Dunham wrote Tiny Furniture in a weekend! LMAO! Lena also started making Girls when she was my age! Catching myself here, but you hear about it because not every 25 year old is given a series for HBO. It’s uncommon and surprising, which is why it feels overwhelming to think about in comparison to where I am as a 25 year old. However jealous I might initially feel, I would not be prepared if HBO approached me for anything like that today! I barely have rent money this month! Also my parents are not Laurie Simmons and Carroll Dunham lol
This week marks my 7th year living in New York. I came to this city the month after I turned 18 (To quote Lina: “that’s fucked up!”). I can look back and see how certain marks on my path have shifted what I thought I was suppose to be and have helped me steer to where I’m suppose to be headed: random strangers at parties, friendships (short and lifelong), day jobs that were barely tolerable, even living situations that felt like tenement-style housing. Any “plan” I originally had when I moved here has been redefined at least a few dozen times: When I graduated high school, I thought college would happen and I’d immediately have a career on Broadway. Ha! I don’t do musicals and have shifted to mainly film and tv stuff (but if you’re paying your theatre actors - hit me up). I’m excited to see what I can connect from this period of my life in the next 7 years.
